Where Am I Supposed To Be?

It’s hard for me to see that other people at my age are now successful than I am. Those 18 year olds that have their own business or now have their own page in a magazine, how cool is that? Seeing their success somehow inspires me but deep inside me, I am so envious. I always ask myself when will I become like them. Or…will I be like them? Every time that my family, friends, and teachers ask me what will I be taking in college, I would mention a course that I think is easy for me to cope but in my mind I always say “I don’t know yet.” It’s our last year in high school and in a few months, we’ll be facing a new world. One of my teachers asked me “ano ba ang hilig mong gawin?” I just smiled at her. In my thoughts, it’s been bugging me. What do I really want to do? What do I really want to be? And leads me to what am I really good at? When I was a kid, I’ve had a lot of dreams:

I wanted to be a doctor. 9 out of 10 kids would merely say that they wanted to be a doctor someday, and I was one of the 9. It’s very common for kids to have this dream. If you ask why, most of them would say “because I want to help people who are suffering” but I would say “because I want to wear a white coat and earn a lot of money.” This dream came to me when I saw my grandmother in father’s side died by her doctor’s side. I was seven that time. I wanted to wake her up but I couldn’t. And then I said to myself, when I became a doctor, I wouldn’t let my patient die.

An architect. One of my favorite hobbies back then is to draw. I love drawing houses for my dolls. I usually design the houses in a white long folder, sometimes in an illustration board. My family and friends noticed that I have the talent to draw so I was really inspired by it. I joined many contests in school such as the poster making contests and editorial cartooning, luckily, I won; which made me think that I wanted to be a painter or a designer, too, someday. I used to have an eye for arts but all was gone now. I don’t know why, maybe because some didn’t appreciate what I did. It really gets me whenever I didn’t feel good at something I’m doing. I lose my interest the time I notice that others don’t see what I can see in my work. Or maybe, some were just better than me.

A businesswoman. I wanted to be like my father. He worked in big companies such as Citibank, AIG, and others. He said that he’s just in his office because he’s the manager that time. I wanted that job—just sitting yet, I earn a lot. His work brought him to different places, locally and internationally. That’s what I wanted when I was little because I thought that I’d enjoy that job—you get to travel to many places without giving your sweat and blood, you just have to talk to people and that’s it, success in your seat. That’s what I thought that time. I thought he didn’t give much to his work yet, he earns a lot, but I realized when I grew up that everything requires sweat and blood.

A chef. It was just in high school when I saw myself as a chef. I am always having fun watching someone cooks personally or in TV. There is something in cooking that gets my interest. In fact, in my dream list, I’ve written that I would own a restaurant at the age of 30. But in reality, I don’t even know how to cook. Well, I can fry eggs and hotdogs. I don’t know how to cook saucy foods. I usually cook dry dishes such as nilasing na hipon and tempura. When it comes to desserts, you can count me on that. The moment you smell those delightful pastries and sweet chocolate chip cookies fresh from the oven, it makes me oh la la. Those are my expertise.

 

A Mass Communicator—reporter specifically.  Since elementary, I’m always a member of our school paper. I was always one of the students who were sent to compete with other students from different schools in Press Conferences. Like the usual, I won several awards. But I never got the first, always the second, third, and fourth. When I saw Kara David, a reporter from GMA, in one of her shows, that was the moment I thought of being like her someday. But when I’ve heard various things about Journalist killings especially when the Maguindanao Massacre exploded, it gave me second thoughts. Why? I’m human too, you know. I don’t want to die early.

And that time, I was so sure that I will achieve all of that, if not, maybe one of it.

I am now a Journalism student. I wanted to pursue the writing career—be it in a magazine or having to publish my own novels. I chose this path because this is the only thing I know that I am good at. Is it?

I confess…  I am a self-proclaimed green-eyed monster. I always see others as my competitors, even my friends. I don’t want them to be better than I. I want to be the only one who gets this and that. I want to be the best. See? I am a self-centered person. My jealousies always bring the monster out in me. When someone gets praise from his works, I was like hey he’s not the only one who did well. And when the other gets in to the same group as I am, the others will follow. Is it really necessary to be in the same group as I am? Can’t you just give it to me? When will I be the “only one” who will excel at this thing? How can I stand out in the middle of the crowd?

To be honest, I don’t know if I am really good at writing because my grade now doesn’t show it. Every time I see my grade lower than before, I am so down. Who wouldn’t be? Yes I’ve amazed my professors and made some of my classmates cried in the radio drama script I’ve written but I can’t say that I excel in this path because no one says I do, though I think I’m doing well every time I write something. It feels like something’s telling me to get out of this class and shift to another course. I keep on asking why did I get that? What’s wrong with me? Yet, no answers. I hate it every time I have a lot of questions and it leaves me unanswered. Maybe my articles aren’t as good as others. Oh for God’s sake. Am I not good enough?

If I’m not good at this thing, what am I really good at? Could someone please hit me in my face with the answers? I’d take it any possible way. I’d accept how painful it is.

“Alam mo, di mawawala ‘yung mga moments na ganyan. Normal lang yan. Sometimes we’re up and sometimes we’re down. Wag ka lang papaapekto sa mga bagay na nagbababa sa’yo. Magaling ka at alam kong kaya mong makuha lahat ng pangarap mo” says Nikka, my best friend in high school. But as I hit every year, it made me think again. Is this really what I want? And indeed it is. I am so sure of it because I have a goal. I wanted to work in a magazine, Candy to be specific. Is it good? Is it okay if I work there? Some says that it’ll be a waste of time to work in a magazine if you’re studying Journalism because you wouldn’t apply all the ethics and lessons you’ve learn. Even my mom keeps on asking me “anong mapapala mo dyan?” Well, who cares? It’s my life. This is what I want. No one can dictate me with what to do with what I want. As long as I am happy with it, I’ll pursue it. Go ahead. Laugh now. Reserve your jaw-dropping moments in two years.

In life, in order to succeed,  I realized that we need to be positive and confident at all times and we shouldn’t be affected on what everyone thinks about us. ‘Cause if we let them affect our lives in a negative way, there’s no way success and happiness can enter into our hearts.

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